About Roadies (part 1)

Your band may choose to employ the services of a Roadie. "Roadie" often ends up meaning "one of your friends," or "hanger onner." And "employ" often means "pay in beer," or " allow backstage." It's necessary for Roadies to excel in a number of rock-related fields. One of the most important fields is that of Roadie Fashion. A good Roadie will always sport a pair of Roadie Pants. Bending over and picking up heavy equipment without Roadie Pants is unacceptable. It's a well-known fact that a pair of Roadie Pants must have a waistline loose enough to display at least three inches of ass crack (this is very important -- see figures 1 and 2).

Other things Roadies should be expert at:
1) Running across the stage mid-set, busily occupying him/herself with an unidentifiable chore (straightening of cords, replacing of duct tape, knocking over of beers, etc.).
2) Sitting out back in the parking lot, idling the van's motor, while the band carries the equipment out of the venue.

3) Making colorful excuses for being late, and entertaining your band with tales of his/her life -- which make you feel as if, by comparison, you really have it all together.

At all costs, you should avoid "jamming" on stage with your Roadie. Even if the Roadie's friends are in the audience chanting his/her name. Even if it's during the encore. Especially if it's during the encore. "Jamming" with your Roadie (who is doubtless better looking, more popular, and more talented than you are) would be too good for his/her ego, and is therefore unacceptable.